The Tonight's Show with Jay Leno
by Morag X. Henegev
Summary: Harry and Draco end up on prime time with the host Jay Leno. How will they take all that? Please read and review.


'Bad dreams in the night  
It told me I was going to lose the fight  
I'm coming home to Wuthering Heights'  
  
A/N: Jesus, I love that guy, Jay Leno, and that is how I got the idea to make him do the Wizards' show with everyone's favourite super-hero: Harry Potter!, and everyone's favourite quasi-super-villain, Draco Malfoy (what do you want, he is quasi after all, he is still too young. maybe in few years he'll shake of his 'quasi' title, and earn something like 'meta').   
  
Advocating: characters appearing in this show, including Jay Leno himself do not belong to me (unfortunately) so therefore I shall not claim them as my own (even though I wish I could) but just at the characters and a person whose copyrights I rightfully am abusing. Amen. And some of the jokes are plagiarised from the show itself, I just put them into wizarding form.   
  
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Jay Leno comes out, running, to greet the huge audience, wearing navy blue, pin-stripped Valentino robes (with little clip of American flag), while throng of excited witches stand beside the stage in hope they will shake his hand and maybe one day appeared on his show when the author of this story runs out of the all important and famous characters. There are Lavender Brown, the Patil twins, Padma and Parvati, Pansy Parkinson, Susan Bones, and other gitty screaming witched lined up.   
When he has retreated and everyone takes their places he steps up on the stage.   
-"Thank you, thank you. Many things are unfortunate things are taking place within the serene wizarding world... another attack on the Muggles by the Death Eaters... article appeared in the Daily Prophet yesterday... and this time, listen, this time they have taken a young Muggle couple and guess what they have done, guess what they have done -- they took and beat up the woman and raped the man. How do you explain that? Isn't it the usual to rape the woman and beat up the man?"  
They audience laughs.   
-"Yes, I know. Now, we have bunch of crazy lunatics in masks running around, raping men, instead of bunch of crazy lunatics running around raping women. What has our society turned into with help of the Death Eaters? Gay orgies? Men, you, the ones on the street, you have to be careful if some horny Death Eater does not impale you upon their organ. You know, let's take for example everyone's favourite person that is suspected to be a Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy. He is walking down the street, and accidentally he slips on banana peel and his organ ends up in your behind. How often does THAT happen?  
"The You-Know-Who is running out of the ideas... Like the last time what happened, take this for an example, the Death Eaters received writen orders to kill the Muggle President of United States of America, who was apparently staying in the Venice, California. As we all know that Death Eaters are stupid indoctrinated idiots, they forgot, when they were reading their instructions to read that the Venice was in California, so they went to Venice, Italy, and looked everywhere for a man named George W. Bush. And what happened, there was some Italian guy who started swearing at them in Italian, and they did not understand him, so they got pissed off when they swore back at him, and he didn't understand, therefore they just killed the first person that came across their way and brought it to You-Know-Who... Probably AFTER they raped the person, they brought it to You-Know-Who...   
"You-Know-Who appeared happy, but the next moment when he turned his telly for leisure, you know he wanted to catch on 'Passions' is Theresa really dead, it turned out that George W. Bush is still alive. Many heads were flying around, that's the only things I can say for sure..."  
-"Okay, let us take some more cheerful theme, for an example, like the new Nimbus Campaign. They launched a new broom called 'Nimbus Platinum'. It is supposed to be better than the celebrated 'Firebolt'... be that as it may... Guess what they said about it in the new newspaper ad? It lists all the extra features, like the air-conditioning, alarm against being stolen, acceleation 50 m/h in three seconds, and the extra-soft invisible cushions, it also says that you get the handle for free... Just imagine that.... WOW, you even get the handle for free... No other broom gives you that, doesn't it..."  
The audience roared with laughter.   
-"And that man who sued the Leaky Cauldron and the chain of fast-food restaurants for making him FAT... what, so don't you know already that if you eat fast-food everyday you are going to get fat? God, this one have not happened... yet... and just today, on my way to work, I saw man, a lawyer, standing in front of the Leaky Cauldron, giving away his business cards... like if someone else decides to sue an eating place... Am I right, Kevin?"  
Kevin Eubanks, holding his guitar, gave him an approving nod and laughed.   
-"Didn't the guy-who-sued see the new Leaky Cauldron commercial on WTN (no, not the 'Women Television Network', but the 'Wizard Television Network')? The commercial is like a man gets conjured into a pig and still eats all the food from Leaky Cauldron. WOW... their food is so good that even pigs like to eat there?   
"It's not like they are taking the recipes out of Gilderoy Lockhart's books (A/N: let's imagine that Gilderoy is out of St Mungo's and continued doing his boasting job, something like wizarding male Martha Stewart).   
Audience gave another loud laughed and waited for their first guests to be introduced.   
-"Our first guest for tonight is HARRY POTTER!" - he yelled and the audience cheered, many of them not realising that they know Harry Potter already and go to school with him.   
Harry Potter came out wearing black robes with Ireland-green hem and Ming the Merciless gray colar.   
-"LOOK, HERMIONE, THAT REALLY IS HARRY POTTER!!!" - gasped Ron Weasley gleefully in the audience.   
-"Sheesh Ron, don't you know Harry already? Isn't he like, I daresay, your best friend or something?" - Hermione responded sarcastically, noticing that Harry smiled just for her from the stage.   
-"Harry Potter, welcome to our show" - says Jay cheerfully, shaking his hand, and after motioning Harry to sit down on a chair, sat down himself, putting his elbows on the table, casually. Harry Potter sat comfortably at the chair, resting his arms on the handles.   
-"Hello Jay."  
-"So, we finally met, Harry Potter. I finally met the Boy Who Lived... and he came to OUR show"  
-"Uhm, actually, we met a long time ago, and you were begging me to come to your show" - said Harry a bit embarrassed, even though he was not the one who should have been.   
-"Yeah right..." - he commented sulkily, but than he added mirthfully: - "BUT YOU STILL CAME TO MY SHOW!!!"   
-"Actually, you blackmailed me, saying that if I don't come you will tell everyone that I wear red thong underwear with little pink, pale blue, and purple flowers... oops, I shoul't've said that"  
The whole audience ooed loudly.   
-"No, it is not that we... oh, never mind... I just accidentally burst into the washroom which Harry Potter was using and found him wearing funny little thong underwear, but never mind that... oh, and it wans't thong, it was g-string" - said Jay, blushing a bit.   
-"I wear g-string not because it feel good, but because it doesn't leave the line on my pats" - Harry hissed.  
-"Never mind that, tell us Harry, what are you doing?"  
-"Well, I am working on winning another Quidditch cup, and brining some more glory to the Gryffindor house. But even McGonagall keeps telling me that I am exaggerating a tiny bit, but I do not think so... you know, seventy-five-thousand points Gryffindor is in lead, but that is still not enough..."  
-"How are your plans in saving our realm from You-Know-Who's adversity?"  
-"Well, I've been planning to fight off the evil forces at the end of the school year, as I always do. You know, I do not want my world-saving-related problems come in the way with my school. But I heard old Voldie is good right now, plotting new and improved cabals somewhere in south Spain, so when I see him he'll be with nice bronze tan..."  
-"That's cool, that's cool" - said Jay, tapping him on his shoulder. -"You know, before the start of the show, we had all our viewers write down a question for you. We picked the randon ones... So here they are, first question, from no one else than Pansy Parkinson, it goes like this: Harry, do you think Draco Malfoy will ever fall in love with me?"   
-"Uhm... hopefully not, I mean better for you if he doesn't... what is there so special with little rat-faced blondie?"   
An anguished scream from the audience was heard (probably from Pansy).   
-"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, next question. This one is from Ron Weasley, he asks if he can have your autograph."  
-"Ron, I told you, I won't give you my autograph, you are my best friend!" - Harry yelled to Ron in the audience.   
-"HE SPOKE TO ME! HARRY POTTER SPOKE TO ME!!" - Ron screamed and Hermione audably scoffed, rolling her eyes.   
-"Sheesh..."   
-"Next question, Vincent Crabbe wants to know if it would be available to get a date from you? That is what Gregory Goyle also is craving to find out."  
-"Well, I am sorry, but I am really booked for this month."  
-"They asked if there is a possibility within this year?"   
-"Well, I will be really busy..."  
-"From Lavender Brown, if you are a virgin?"   
-"Well..."  
-"Now remember Harry, you are on the TV, if you lie, the eternal hell fire of damnation will open under you and you will slip there to die and rot!"  
-"Yes, I am a virgin" - Harry answered in squeaky tone, blushing badly, almost like Ron always does.   
-"Parvati Patil wants to know if you want to lose your virginity?"   
-"Yes, I can do it right here, right now, in front of the cameras" - Harry said, finding Parvati in the audience and winking to her.  
-"That's good, that's good, Crabbe and Goyle also left a message for you that if you want to lose your virginity, you can always call them."  
-"No thanks, I am happy being a virgin... accept, if Parvati doesn't want to..."  
-"Just remember Harry, this show is not rated XXX, if you want to talk about those things, I would like to allow you to, but it is better if you'd picked a show from the Playboy TV and went there and discussed it.  
"Now, Neville Longbottom would like to know how did you get to be so big and strong?"  
-"Well, I drink a lot of milk" - said he and started singing - "drink milk love life..."  
-"Okay, okay, we had enough of your singing. You are really the best at saving the world. And I guess, that would be it."  
Jay Leno stood up.   
-"Now for our next guest, DRACO MALFOY!!!"  
Draco Malfoy came out wearing black satin robes that strongly smelled on Armani, even though Draco swore before the show that those were Kenneth Cole.   
-"Hello, Jay" - said Draco, smirking to the camera.   
In the audience, Pansy was screaming something, holding the banner "DRACO, I AM PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABY!".   
-"Hello Draco, I am glad you are here and you are going to sing us something" - said Jay cheerfully.   
-"What!? I never agreed to sing anything!" - Draco snapped.   
-"Well you didn't, but The Crazy Sisters were supposed to be here today, and because they cancelled because they were to wated from all the dope, so we have to get someone to sing something. Now, Harry just proved that he should not, under any circumstance even think about singing. Then we had no choice and Kevin and I decided that it would be best for you to do it" - Jay gave a wide grin, while Draco changed colours as quickly as a shirt from the 'Stitches' when you put it to get washed. From pale gray to rosy pink to sickly-green.   
-"I can't do it, I shan't do it!" - Draco hissed.   
-"Well, I don't think you have a choice or the eternal hell fire of damnation will open under you and you will slip there to die and rot!" - Harry smiled innocently.   
-"Shut up Potter, even if you paid them, they wouldn't let you sing" - Malfoy snapped at him, going towards the microphone.   
The slow music started and in high, voice, like in a choir boy before puberty, Draco started singing 'Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Love in My Tummy'. Harry couldn't help giggling while loud hushed noise was heard under Jay's desk. Apparently, Jay hid himself to laugh.   
He finished and shooed Harry away from his seat, sitting down.   
-"Nice singing voice you've got there" - Jay commented.   
Draco, like a chameleon turned his face now to ghastly white and murmured few words to Jay. Even Harry, who sat beside him, didn't hear it, but everyone strongly suspected that what Draco just have said highly involved 'my Father' and a death threat. Now Jay was the one who went to ghastly white, saying in stiff voice: -"Of course, of course, I am sorry, I have your father on tomorrow's show."   
-"Well than pray that you will stay alive after tomorrow" - spat Draco through his teeth, crossing his legs (in guy's kind of way).   
-"I know that I won't be alive if your father gets to sing tomorrow, too, and we all find out what phenomenal sopranos Malfoys have" - Jay snickered.   
Next thing Draco murmured involved the Dark Lord and some vital organ getting cut off of Jay's body. Jay recruited after that, holding something under his desk (let's bet that it was his 'vital organ').   
-"Now Draco, I will be asking you some questions from the audience, too. Let's see, the first one from Pansy Parkinson, and it says: 'Draco, will you ever love me?'"  
-"Uhm... no" - said Draco sharply. He glanced towards the audience and noticed Pansy with her "DRACO, I AM PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABY!" banner. His stomach flipped.   
-"Poor Pansy, merciless Malfoy... second question if from Pansy Parkinson, also. Draco, can we have sex again?"   
-"No" - Draco scoffed.   
-"And there's the second part to that question, in case your answer was 'no'. It says: "Draco, please, I know you are not having sex with any other girl because you are too ashamed that your thing is far too little, you know, I don't mind'" - Jay read, while he and Harry snickered madly.   
Draco felt his throat go dry and numb and it was buzzing in his head.   
-"FATHER!!!" - he yelled from top of his lungs, in his soprano, breaking all the glass in the studio.   
-"Well, well, well, the evil Jay Leno got my son" - Lucius mysteriously appeared at one door, with bunch of masked Death Eaters at the door. He wore dark robes that swirled around him.   
-"Father, he's making fun of our Malfoy soprano and our miniature Malfoy organ" - Draco snapped.   
-"That is why thou shall suffer the eternal damnation." - Lucius exclaimed to Jay, some bizarre light gleaming out on no where on him, his cloak rising up like under the wind.   
Than the eternal hell fire of damnation opened under Jay and he feel down to die and rot, but the devil allowed him to come back out because his contract hasn't expired yet. When it has, he shall be retreated to the hell.   
  
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A/N: I want to thank Alasdair for helping me collect and remember the phrases from the Tonight's Show, as you might notice that none of those jokes up there are mine at all, just taken and reconstructed. And I want to thank Malfoy for having such a cute soprano that inspired me throughout my whole life.   
  
''S nuair a théid thu null a dh'Éirinn  
Gheibh thu 'm bréid nach feum am paitseadh' 


End file.
